EFFECTS OF MASTURBATION
The report.
Dele and shayo (not real names) have been married for a few
years. Shayo is a housewife, taking care of the kids, while Dele goes to work
every day. Dele came back from work one fine evening, expecting to get
“something light” from his wife after dinner, only for her to say “Dele I have
already masturbated a few hours ago, so I am not really in the mood right now”.
This was the fifth time Shayo was telling him this in three
weeks, so obviously, she had replaced “Dele” with her “fingers,” using her
newly purchased vibrator hidden away somewhere in the house. Dele was so angry
at being deprived of his right. Being a Christian, he didn’t believe in
cheating on his wife, and he didn’t want to be put in that situation so he
wanted her to stop using that “evil” vibrator right away. Out of fear, she
threw it away, but couldn’t overcome the urge soon and started using her
fingers to please herself, Dele couldn’t take it anymore when he discovered and
that was the beginning to the end.
This story is the same or slightly different with many other
experiences of couples in various homes. Some partners accept it because they
feel it’s much better than “adultery”, while some see it as a slap on the face.
The interesting part is men rarely talk about it amongst themselves. Women are
more open in discussing it with each other, while couples don’t even want to
mention it at all. Really interesting, isn’t it?
Couples should be open about their sexual wants and desires,
as well as their dislikes. 85 % of men and 45 % of women who live with their
spouses are said to have masturbated. Vibrators, sex machines, sex toys and
even sex dolls are steadily replacing human contact and encouraging
masturbation addiction. Many people would argue that this is more common with
men, than women, well that is not our debate for today, but on how it affects
both genders and its aftermath in a relationship. Masturbation is derived from
the Latin word “manstuprare,” meaning “to defile one’s self by hand”.
Many couples I have counselled or spoken to say that
masturbation is a very uncomfortable topic to broach. Imagine walking in on
your partner masturbating? So many questions will be running through your head
at once. Apart from immediately casting and binding the devil, there are
several thoughts that rush through your mind, number one being who or what is
my partner thinking about while at it?
Some couples may wonder if masturbation can ruin their relationship.
Other couples don’t even want to discuss it.
Masturbation often carries a stigma. Some religious,
cultural and spiritual traditions associate masturbation with immorality or
sin.
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But the truth is masturbation can become an addiction which can cause harm to your relationship with several signals stated below.
When you get to a point where you inflict self-injury on
yourself due to this habit, it can lead to other challenges in your
relationship.
If your spouse uses masturbation to cope when they are under
stress, especially when work pressure increases and next step is to quickly get
a private place to “handle” themselves, then this is a big issue because apart
from leading your partner to other stress management behaviour it can quickly
escalate into a big problem, imagine having to get to the toilet anytime you
are under duress.
This can create a feeling of rejection if one’s partner
finds solace in masturbating rather than sexually connecting with their
partner. If your partner finds it very
easy to replace physical contact with you, even when you are available.
We operate in a religious environment. The weight of guilt
that presents itself with this act, especially in connection to our religious
and spiritual beliefs (if you have any) will lead to secrecy or in some cases
creating and maintaining a double life around your sexual lifestyle.
One of the criteria for addictive behaviour is the frequency
of the act, sometimes partners who want to stop and are unable to do so,
sometimes unconsciously increase after trying to make effort to stop due to the
helpless feeling it gives.
Putting religion or cultural beliefs aside, it is an
unhealthy habit with emphasis on the word habit, not only as an individual but
for couples. Masturbation is very common among adults, yet it remains a challenging
and uncomfortable topic
It causes a feeling of inadequacy, especially when the
partner discovers about it, they tend to blame themselves, assuming that their
spouse or partner is bored or unhappy with them. Masturbation is a problem that
interferes with day-to-day life, especially when it is used to substitute real
intimacy with another person.
Your partner may feel that his or her partner has been
keeping secrets. What couples should understand is that couples have different
viewpoints. People who masturbate may do so in different amounts. There is
nothing like an acceptable number or not an acceptable number. where we can
establish you have a problem with masturbation is when you can’t achieve orgasm
with your partner through intercourse, the best is to seek help from a
therapist. They can work with you and your partner to iron out major concerns
affecting your relationship, or smaller issues you are struggling with.
So many couples if they can be a sincere struggle with
masturbation. It all depends on if you feel you should tell your spouse that
you masturbate. But you shouldn’t allow the feeling of inadequacy overtake you
if you discover your partner masturbates, as long as you can maintain a healthy
relationship where both individuals communicate effectively to understand each
other and know exactly when to come in. Adult individuals are entitled to their
own thoughts, even what our society might deem repugnant. Basically what should
be your priority which is my major rule for relationships is that all your sex,
including fantasies, should be with each other.
Is it possible to stop masturbation, especially when it is
affecting your relationship? I would say yes! Definitely, you can stop it.
Instead of trying to restrict your partner’s behaviour for
instance because restriction with words like “you must stop this habit at once’
will only aggravate issues. It is a matter of discipline and acceptance to try
and stop, once there is a will there is away.
If you desire to help your partner to stop, then the best method is to
Talk to them about the habit.
Find out what triggers it (for instance work pressure).
Ask them how you can help them stop it.
Give mental and moral support; don’t make them feel ashamed.
Try to turn their attention to something else, so that they
get to use their time constructively.
Do it slowly, change cannot happen overnight.
Know when to seek professional help.
Learning to stop masturbating is a process and this process
takes time. To overcome this behavior, you’ve practiced for months and
sometimes even years, you personally need several coping strategies in order to
save your relationship and cause less damage to show them you really want to
stop.
Keeping a full schedule will cut down on the opportunities
you have for masturbation. Find activities that are self-soothing, engaging, or
exciting. I personally recommend joining a gym, start running or jogging, exert
yourself physically.
You will also need a healthy diet for your body, caring for
yourself may reduce urges or provide motivation to resist. It can also provide
a new focus for your energy and efforts.
You also need to be accountable to someone you trust, if you can find a
support group. That would be excellent and the right path to recovery. It can
also help you develop new behavior. You need to limit your lone time, wear
extra clothes at night to cover everywhere as much as possible, make it
difficult for the temptation to be successful. Stop everything that triggers
the urge, like porn, sex magazines and so on, and most of all, be patient with
yourself while healing yourself. Good luck!
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